Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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