Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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