if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
