So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
