??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
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Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
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Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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