I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
