after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
