I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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