I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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