Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
