On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
