Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
