I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
