i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
