Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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