I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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