Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
