There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
