Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
