i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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