My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
