he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
