he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
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