I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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