i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
