her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
