she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
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