Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
