About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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