If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
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These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
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how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.