I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.