there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
