apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
