He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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