All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
