onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.