it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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