I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
