I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
operation harelip BJ is a go
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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