she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
