god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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