I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
