My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
no you cant smoke seaweed
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
