I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just gift wrapped bread.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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