Apparently you make a good broom.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
