my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
