I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
