are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
