# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
