He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
