Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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