He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
