I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
