did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Success! We fucked roommates!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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