No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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