two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
