It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
