Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
soo... how was my night?
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