When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
