You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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