I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
