Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
